Washington D.C.
America can finally rejoice. In a late Sunday evening press conference, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has declared that the recession is over. However, the good news for the cash strapped nation doesn't stop there. In what some economic analysts have declared the surprise of the century, Bernanke announced that third quarter economic numbers were so good that the nation is actually in a (opposite of a depression). In the third week of September alone, unemployment plummited from a 30 year high of 10.8% to an infintesimally small 0.3%. The source for the sudden turnaround should come as no surprise to anyone who has seen a sporting event, read a newspaper, or even owned a television in the past ten years: Athletic Juggernaut and America's Golden Boy Charles Rogers. Spurred by Rogers' blockbuster signing with Team Kanye, sales of Charles Rogers related sports attire skyrocketed last week. According to Bernanke, the spike was so large that it turned around the nation's entire economy. Although exact numbers will be unavailable until the end of the month, sources within the Fed say that buying frenzy has been so great that Charles Rogers has surpassed big auto as the state of Michigan's largest industry. While Bernanke clearly stated that now is a time for Americans to "rejoice and embrace our bright, prosperous, Charles Rogers-filled future," he warned against a potentially dangerous development of a subprime Detroit Lions #80 Jersey market on Wall Street.
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